There are two questions I hate answering.
The other one is "Have you read the Da Vinci Code?", because (brace yourself) no, I haven't. And every time I concede my ignorance of this great treasure of a novel, I'm greeted with reactions ranging from incredulity to outrage.
"Are you serious? You haven't read the Da Vinci Code? But it's so good!" I'll say it again. No, I haven't read the fucking Da Vinci Code. But I have an excuse, weak as it may be. I've been busy reading other books (yes, they do exist). Books like Fahrenheit 451. Books that matter.
"Oh my god, you have to read it! It's incredible!" Yeah, I'm sure it's a real pageturner. But do I really have to read it? I mean, in twenty years, are my kids going to be coming home asking me for help with a book report on the Da Vinci Code? I don't think so. Are they going to be researching Dan Brown for their project on the greatest American writers of the last century? I hope not, because then I've wasted a lot of time reading Faulkner and Hemingway and Twain.
"You're the only person I know who hasn't read that book! What's wrong with you?" Well, I don't exactly know. Maybe my literary tastes have yet to reach the level of refinement necessary to appreciate such an insightful work of literature. Or maybe you should shut the fuck up, trend slut. Just a thought.
Nick thinks I'm crazy (well, part crazy) and doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to read the book everyone's talking about. I guess it's the same reason I never went on the Atkins diet or watched a season of American Idol. I don't actually care if it's on the bestseller list, Oprah, or your piece of shit blog. I'm not going to give up bread, I'm not going to suffer through bad music, and I'm not going to read a book about something I'm not even faintly interested in.
Besides, half the reason "everyone" talks about the damn novel is the controversial subject matter. Apparently there's a big religious conspiracy, and some uptight Catholics don't appreciate Mr. Brown's take on it. I have news for these people. The whole religion's a fucking conspiracy. Move on. Go read some Graham Greene.
Look kids, the Da Vinci Code probably isn't a terrible book. But I'm really not interested in reading it. Ever. That means I'm going to live the rest of my life not having read the Da Vinci Code, and you know what? I think I still have a shot at fulfillment.